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Depression Era Thinking

by Pete Miser

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1.
Thought I Knew shit I've been through been too much sensitive skin too thin to touch wiped out cornered no will to fight out plus I doubt I’d even take the right route used up still have not learned can’t decide if I’ve been lied to did I get burned? life is like that no need for concern everybody suffers it was just my turn yet and still I’ve had my fill so much blood spilled shit tests my will thought I found a way around the things I feel thought I figured out how to deal thought I knew what did I know? looking for a way to get back home hard to stand by wring my hands try stifling tears smile hide my fear the end is near and we all know but no one here knows where we all go details fade but the feeling stays everyone says I’m in the healing stage haven’t slept for days can’t heal like this I’m obsessed by details that we might miss everything floods in where to begin? I’d walk on water but the ice is too thin don’t fight to win fight just to breathe fight to maintain balance in shifting seas fight this disease? with what, my love? when she can’t hear me through all those drugs? a thousand hugs white paper cranes I can stall but she’ll make the train thought I knew what did I know? looking for a way to get back home
2.
It Comes In Waves it comes in waves there’s nothing to say everything has been washed away it comes in waves it comes in waves it comes in waves it’s not a matter of being brave or trying hard to engage it comes in waves it comes in waves I never found a way to speak about the trauma without swerving off a cliff of melodrama it’s the key detail and it can’t be ignored I’m the youngest of two but was the youngest of four idolized my older brothers but they took their own lives and I still haven’t recovered even though I’ve tried my insides twisted up the hurt is insane the irony is that they did it to ease pain and now I’ve lived more years without them than I lived with them suicide is not a crime but everyone’s a victim imagine what my mom went through back in the eighties raising four boys working divorced lady and “maybe maybe maybe” “what if? what if?” pointless empty questions that are hard to live with tried to shift my perspective but the bullshit stayed and now mom’s gone too grief comes in waves it comes in waves there’s nothing to say everything has been washed away it comes in waves it comes in waves it comes in waves it’s not a matter of being brave or trying hard to engage it comes in waves it comes in waves everything is mixed up in my head loss brings up the losses the dead beget the dead friends have lost a parent but it didn’t smash their heart friends have lost a dog and they fucking fell apart me? I lost my mom atomic bomb my own private Hiroshima wrong gone wrong brought up every loss I ever suffered in the past “thought I knew” think fast and even in a million years those waves won’t wash away
3.
Moments Like This do you recall what changed it all? where you stood when the towers started to fall? can you describe the air the sky? if I wanted you to tell me would you bother to try? most days we play with infinite time operating in the boundaries of limited minds I’m not trying to be funny or crack on folks I’m the same I blow time like cigarette smoke I can burn off an hour on the Huffington post waste a day trying to forward some e-mail joke when you’re in it minute to minute minutes seem cheap time is money but time is harder to keep little moments like that little moments like this do you recall what changed it all? where you stood when the towers started to fall? can you describe the air the sky? if I wanted you to tell me would you bother to try? little moments slip by like, all of the time but I don’t have to try some stay in my mind I had a moment like that just a few months back late at night car parked by the railroad tracks quick call to my mom for that pedestrian check in we do this all the time and I barely pay attention “I’m picking up some friends from the train let’s keep it brief am I sitting? I’m sitting why am I gritting my teeth?” she hit me with the bad news bad as it gets doctors said she only had six months left came from out of nowhere she was fine last week we were hanging in New York dodging cabs in the streets told me it was cancer I went quiet for once calculating all the moments you can fit in six months stuttering and stunned as the train arrived with tears welling up in my eyes we agreed to talk again when I could be alone I could see my friends approaching as I hung up the phone I handed Oliver the keys when he asked “what’s wrong?” only seven days and she was gone little moments like that little moments like this do you recall what changed it all? where you stood when the towers started to fall? can you describe the air the sky? if I wanted you to tell me would you bother to try?
4.
The Problem With You it’s not the things you did back when we were kids it’s not the way that you died it’s the way that you lived it’s the gifts you had to give and your generous soul it was big brother jedi knight mind control had me spellbound idolizing you and your friends made you tell me all the same jokes again and again and as I rewind time to way back then I recall what it was about you the problem with you is no one else will do It’s more than thirty years now that you’ve been gone and it’s taken me that long to write this song I understand your actions whether right or wrong but that doesn’t help me move on or be strong I remember when the cops came to our front door telling us they found your body but they weren’t sure had to check the dental records to make an exact match nineteen months of questions answered just like that the problem with you is no one else will do the problem with you is there’s no one else like you the problem is I can’t get you out of my mind even after all this time people tell me let you go but I don’t know how I have nightmares can’t seem to slow those down I’ve been to the woods where you did the deed and found more of your remains there beneath the trees I confess I have a vertebrae of yours in a drawer it’s morbid for sure but it’s you and it’s pure I’ve been a hot mess ever since you left post traumatic stress or just depressed I guess I try to hide behind hard work and jokes on bad days they go up in smoke honestly it’s fucked up the way it all went down with no answers or closure or peace to be found the problem isn’t just your decision to quit the problem is you left me here to live with it the problem with you is there’s no one else like you
5.
Off Into The New York Night can’t sleep again so I hit my friend to see what’s happening he’s hanging with his girl he says mañana I should rap with him I text another homie after him but he’s faded all types of typos in the text he dictated I’m feeling restless sometimes I get this way can’t sit still my head filled with yesterday mind spinning on some shit I said or something I did or bigger questions “should I move? should I have kids?” it’s hard to give a fuck and yet I’m up deep into the night with my cortex stuck so I rise grab my ride and turn my bike lights on smash out into the night and I’m gone sweet dreams for now lay your head down turn out the light and I’m off into the New York night I’m riding through the BK high priced decay and wind up in my hair with my day on replay spokes spinning like the thoughts in my head Miles Davis in my ears God bless the dead I could push through Kinfolk see what’s popping on the late night or just ride until I see daylight [text alert] a late night text from a girl I barely know but I’m not looking for trim to interrupt my flow I opt out spout something ‘bout “I’m caught up now but hit me back tomorrow and we’ll see what’s going down” tonight I’m gonna ride ‘til the chain falls off mile for mile stoop for stoop block by block sweet dreams for now lay your head down turn out the light and I’m off into the New York night I don’t think you understand man I’m losing my grip out of sorts but of course I’m too stupid to quit too bruised to get lit too confused to commit too busy getting dizzy Rubik’s Cubing my shit stay awake ‘til the break and I take to the night try to shake the dark mood but the blues they hold tight fight fire with the ink black city sink back in it doesn’t cure what ails me but helps for a minute so deep in my head I can’t see straight so deep in my head I can’t see straight so deep in my thoughts I get lost I come up with cool shit but it comes at a cost big city wandering big picture pondering squandering time I’m up ‘til dawn again looking for answers to questions I don’t even know can’t sit still so I just go sweet dreams for now lay your head down turn out the light and I’m off into the New York night
6.
Darkness Of The Night (part 1) real talk, fam if this is part of God’s plan then damn count me out ‘cause I’m about to surrender I suppose that’s the point if you listen to the words from the sermons that I’ve heard to A Grief Observed hard to be sure when emotions are stirred not shaken and hearts are pushed past breaking as-salamu alaykum peace be with you miss you hit you in whatever next I get to let you into my heart from the start as if I had a choice once I heard your voice newly minted imprinted when you lifted me into a cradle made of love and two arms safe from all harm that eventually would find me life is not easy I don’t need you to remind me but I can find the way through the darkness of the night just because my mama taught me right Alan Deale: as we sojourn in the valley of death let us not forget the sunshine that was on the heights of life real life, player times is tough stop the ride man I’ve had enough too sad to bluff and act nice in mixed company maybe that’s why mixed company has had enough of me it’s tough to be all smiles while pain piles up small talk while my thoughts are focused miles up don’t believe in heaven I wish I did I’d run to join my mother and her other two kids sometimes I want to live and sometimes I don’t don’t quote don’t know if I believe what I spoke hope most folks know I’m just going through a phase wrote most of these lyrics during really dark days I’m in a haze trying to get my head straight lift off the dead weight meditate let fate guide me through the darkness of the night and trust that my mother taught me right Alan Deale: as we sojourn in the valley of death may these moments here together deepen our sense of comradeship
7.
Darkness Of The Night (part 2) hey hey what’s that you say? the sky is falling, really? mouth is moving nothing coming out Milli Vanilli? supposedly I’m stronger for the things that didn’t kill me I read that shit on Instagram still darkness tends to fill me I’m tired and sick of being tired and sick I’m admired for shit I haven’t done since ‘96 I can’t see where I’m going but I see where I’ve been and I never want to go back there again it’s hard to speak on but I’m trying to make an effort it’s hard to keep on when you’re thirsty in the desert it’s hard to move on after family members die and it’s harder still when it was suicide I’m wiped out it all caught up with me the darkness chased me down thought I was clever I picked up and I moved out of town two thousand nine hundred ten miles away but the pain still found me and the pain is here to stay
8.
Keith's Birthday hey! today’s my brother’s birthday! how the fuck you celebrate it when he’s dead? buried in a dusty little plot in Southeast 65th near Tenino Keith rest in peace and me? I’m on the opposite coast trying to carve a life out of a slice of burnt toast Google mapped his grave on his special day ashes to ashes dust all blown away fair to say I’m the only person thinking of him normally on this day I would call mom but she passed last fall so it’s on me no pressure shop as usual remain calm and I don’t know light a candle or something I got a couple votives from the grocery store I’d pour out some beer but I don’t drink play his Bob Dylan records but the vinyl stinks mildew spills through my open nose they said it was an accident case opened closed people clean guns sometimes they pop but two shots by accident seems like a lot can’t say “suicide” that touches nerves and that stirs up emotions most folks reserve for intimate company and quiet times so is it fucked up I put it in a rhyme? well who cares? who dares say what they feel? anything but the truth for mass appeal well I don’t sell shit for records so there’s nothing to lose one of the real ones, son don’t get it confused it’s true blues stew and invade my moods could wear ‘em on my arm in a few tattoos might post ‘em on Twitter but it just seems weak internet memorials, name something more cheap I accept I neglect my family’s past he dies when I die ‘cause I’m the last not the last who’s alive but the last who cares the last one to see his grave or tell you if and where go there on one of these rainy days 65th twists around into an old driveway there’s a shitty little house on a shitty little yard and shitty little dog on guard and it barks and it whines and it bares its teeth that’s dog speak telling you to “keep it brief” don’t gotta tell me twice there’s nothing nice here nothing that acknowledges or celebrates life here but I come ‘cause one day I’ll go too and maybe I deny what I know to be true that a light that shines bright means nothing if you missed it may as well never have existed
9.
Hands Of Time days slip by and I don’t lose that feeling I might try but my wounds still aren’t healing I know why but I can’t speed the hands of time same old pain folds me over like an ulcer no bluebird on my shoulder that’s a vulture sittin’ waiting for the moment when I give in I’m told they don’t bother anything that’s still living knitting my brow it’s written on my face hidden in the place that connects when we embrace a heavy heart comes apart quick but mends slow friends know but it sits where most men won’t go heartbreak to heartache to dull pain late summer sun gives way to cold rain reframe the issue from tear-soaked tissue to “I will survive but god damn I miss you” days slip by and I don’t lose that feeling I might try but my wounds still aren’t healing I know why but I can’t speed the hands of time back to square one my own worst friend I’m slipping into darkness again can’t see the forest for the trees the branches for leaves the treasured memories for the horrible disease last minute held her hand ‘til it was finished heaven hell or neither doesn’t matter how you spin it dust to dust my beliefs earn my trust atheist in the foxhole good luck I promise to be honest for this song then we can return to the jokes and move on the last thing anybody needs is my heart on my sleeve but I’m selfish in times like these days slip by and I don’t lose that feeling I might try but my wounds still aren’t healing I know why but I can’t speed the hands of time
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Mom Speaks 01:21
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Bright Side 04:07
Bright Side I’ve been looking for a life that feels right, bro but none of these wounds seem to heal right so I just do my best to recognize I’m blessed even when the world feels like a mess and if it’s a test I guess I’m down with it apparently I don’t know my own limits ‘cause I’ve gone further than I ever thought I would and I’ve done more than I ever thought I could and it’s all good any day that ain’t bad lost my mom but I still have dad and even though me and he don’t see eye to eye we’re both down to try and it’s on me to see the light ‘cause no one else can make it right I’m looking for the bright side I’m looking for the bright side and though it’s hard to sleep at night good dreams come when I don’t fight I’m looking for the bright side I’m looking for the bright side it’s clear I’ve had one hell of year hard times come and go but nothing really comes near so dear are the friends on whom I depend they steer my ship right again and again no fear is allowed to crowd my way and that’s not to say that I’m not afraid but if you’ve got to play anyway then, hey may as well take a shot might be hot today there’s a lot at stake in each and every move good moods stack quicker than views on Youtube who knew through blues I would find the sun and somehow learn to fly when I’m inclined to run? and it’s on me to see the light ‘cause no one else can make it right I’m looking for the bright side I’m looking for the bright side and though it’s hard to sleep at night good dreams come when I don’t fight I’m looking for the bright side I’m looking for the bright side
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The 5th and most personal album from Hip Hop artist and visual artist, Pete Miser documents the abrupt passing of his mother and past experiences of loss that were stirred up by her death in 2012.

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released August 1, 2017

Written, produced and performed by Pete Ho (Pete Miser) www.PeteMiser.com

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Pete Miser Brooklyn, New York

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