Depression Era Thinking

by Pete Miser

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about

The 5th and most personal album from Hip Hop artist and visual artist, Pete Miser documents the abrupt passing of his mother and past experiences of loss that were stirred up by her death in 2012.

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released August 1, 2017

Written, produced and performed by Pete Ho (Pete Miser) www.PeteMiser.com

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Pete Miser Brooklyn, New York

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Track Name: Thought I Knew
Thought I Knew

shit I've been through been too much
sensitive skin too thin to touch
wiped out cornered no will to fight out
plus I doubt I’d even take the right route

used up still have not learned
can’t decide if I’ve been lied to did I get burned?
life is like that no need for concern
everybody suffers it was just my turn

yet and still I’ve had my fill
so much blood spilled shit tests my will
thought I found a way around the things I feel
thought I figured out how to deal

thought I knew
what did I know?
looking for a way to get back home

hard to stand by wring my hands
try stifling tears smile hide my fear
the end is near and we all know
but no one here knows where we all go

details fade but the feeling stays
everyone says I’m in the healing stage
haven’t slept for days can’t heal like this
I’m obsessed by details that we might miss

everything floods in where to begin?
I’d walk on water but the ice is too thin
don’t fight to win fight just to breathe
fight to maintain balance in shifting seas

fight this disease? with what, my love?
when she can’t hear me through all those drugs?
a thousand hugs white paper cranes
I can stall but she’ll make the train

thought I knew
what did I know?
looking for a way to get back home
Track Name: It Comes In Waves
It Comes In Waves

it comes in waves
there’s nothing to say everything has been washed away
it comes in waves
it comes in waves

it comes in waves
it’s not a matter of being brave or trying hard to engage
it comes in waves
it comes in waves

I never found a way to speak about the trauma
without swerving off a cliff of melodrama
it’s the key detail and it can’t be ignored
I’m the youngest of two but was the youngest of four

idolized my older brothers but they took their own lives
and I still haven’t recovered even though I’ve tried
my insides twisted up the hurt is insane
the irony is that they did it to ease pain

and now I’ve lived more years without them than I lived with them
suicide is not a crime but everyone’s a victim
imagine what my mom went through back in the eighties
raising four boys working divorced lady

and “maybe maybe maybe” “what if? what if?”
pointless empty questions that are hard to live with
tried to shift my perspective but the bullshit stayed
and now mom’s gone too grief comes in waves

it comes in waves
there’s nothing to say everything has been washed away
it comes in waves
it comes in waves

it comes in waves
it’s not a matter of being brave or trying hard to engage
it comes in waves
it comes in waves

everything is mixed up in my head
loss brings up the losses the dead beget the dead
friends have lost a parent but it didn’t smash their heart
friends have lost a dog and they fucking fell apart

me? I lost my mom atomic bomb
my own private Hiroshima wrong gone wrong
brought up every loss I ever suffered in the past
“thought I knew” think fast

and even in a million years those waves won’t wash away
Track Name: Moments Like This
Moments Like This

do you recall what changed it all?
where you stood when the towers started to fall?
can you describe the air the sky?
if I wanted you to tell me would you bother to try?

most days we play with infinite time
operating in the boundaries of limited minds
I’m not trying to be funny or crack on folks
I’m the same I blow time like cigarette smoke

I can burn off an hour on the Huffington post
waste a day trying to forward some e-mail joke
when you’re in it minute to minute minutes seem cheap
time is money but time is harder to keep

little moments like that
little moments like this

do you recall what changed it all?
where you stood when the towers started to fall?
can you describe the air the sky?
if I wanted you to tell me would you bother to try?

little moments slip by like, all of the time
but I don’t have to try some stay in my mind
I had a moment like that just a few months back
late at night car parked by the railroad tracks

quick call to my mom for that pedestrian check in
we do this all the time and I barely pay attention
“I’m picking up some friends from the train let’s keep it brief
am I sitting? I’m sitting why am I gritting my teeth?”

she hit me with the bad news bad as it gets
doctors said she only had six months left
came from out of nowhere she was fine last week
we were hanging in New York dodging cabs in the streets

told me it was cancer I went quiet for once
calculating all the moments you can fit in six months
stuttering and stunned as the train arrived
with tears welling up in my eyes

we agreed to talk again when I could be alone
I could see my friends approaching as I hung up the phone
I handed Oliver the keys when he asked “what’s wrong?”
only seven days and she was gone

little moments like that
little moments like this

do you recall what changed it all?
where you stood when the towers started to fall?
can you describe the air the sky?
if I wanted you to tell me would you bother to try?
Track Name: The Problem With You
The Problem With You

it’s not the things you did back when we were kids
it’s not the way that you died it’s the way that you lived
it’s the gifts you had to give and your generous soul
it was big brother jedi knight mind control

had me spellbound idolizing you and your friends
made you tell me all the same jokes again and again
and as I rewind time to way back then
I recall what it was about you

the problem with you is no one else will do

It’s more than thirty years now that you’ve been gone
and it’s taken me that long to write this song
I understand your actions whether right or wrong
but that doesn’t help me move on or be strong

I remember when the cops came to our front door
telling us they found your body but they weren’t sure
had to check the dental records to make an exact match
nineteen months of questions answered just like that

the problem with you is no one else will do

the problem with you is there’s no one else like you

the problem is I can’t get you out of my mind
even after all this time
people tell me let you go but I don’t know how
I have nightmares can’t seem to slow those down

I’ve been to the woods where you did the deed
and found more of your remains there beneath the trees
I confess I have a vertebrae of yours in a drawer
it’s morbid for sure but it’s you and it’s pure

I’ve been a hot mess ever since you left
post traumatic stress or just depressed I guess
I try to hide behind hard work and jokes
on bad days they go up in smoke

honestly it’s fucked up the way it all went down
with no answers or closure or peace to be found
the problem isn’t just your decision to quit
the problem is you left me here to live with it

the problem with you is there’s no one else like you
Track Name: Off Into The New York Night
Off Into The New York Night

can’t sleep again so I hit my friend to see what’s happening
he’s hanging with his girl he says mañana I should rap with him
I text another homie after him but he’s faded
all types of typos in the text he dictated

I’m feeling restless sometimes I get this way
can’t sit still my head filled with yesterday
mind spinning on some shit I said or something I did
or bigger questions “should I move? should I have kids?”

it’s hard to give a fuck and yet I’m up
deep into the night with my cortex stuck
so I rise grab my ride and turn my bike lights on
smash out into the night and I’m gone

sweet dreams for now
lay your head down
turn out the light and I’m off into the New York night

I’m riding through the BK high priced decay
and wind up in my hair with my day on replay
spokes spinning like the thoughts in my head
Miles Davis in my ears God bless the dead

I could push through Kinfolk see what’s popping on the late night
or just ride until I see daylight
[text alert] a late night text from a girl I barely know
but I’m not looking for trim to interrupt my flow

I opt out spout something ‘bout “I’m caught up now
but hit me back tomorrow and we’ll see what’s going down”
tonight I’m gonna ride ‘til the chain falls off
mile for mile stoop for stoop block by block

sweet dreams for now
lay your head down
turn out the light and I’m off into the New York night

I don’t think you understand man I’m losing my grip
out of sorts but of course I’m too stupid to quit
too bruised to get lit too confused to commit
too busy getting dizzy Rubik’s Cubing my shit

stay awake ‘til the break and I take to the night
try to shake the dark mood but the blues they hold tight
fight fire with the ink black city sink back in it
doesn’t cure what ails me but helps for a minute

so deep in my head I can’t see straight
so deep in my head I can’t see straight
so deep in my thoughts I get lost
I come up with cool shit but it comes at a cost

big city wandering big picture pondering
squandering time I’m up ‘til dawn again
looking for answers to questions I don’t even know
can’t sit still so I just go

sweet dreams for now
lay your head down
turn out the light and I’m off into the New York night
Track Name: Darkness Of The Night (part 1)
Darkness Of The Night (part 1)

real talk, fam if this is part of God’s plan
then damn count me out ‘cause I’m about to surrender
I suppose that’s the point if you listen to the words
from the sermons that I’ve heard to A Grief Observed

hard to be sure when emotions are stirred not shaken
and hearts are pushed past breaking
as-salamu alaykum peace be with you
miss you hit you in whatever next I get to

let you into my heart from the start
as if I had a choice once I heard your voice
newly minted imprinted when you lifted
me into a cradle made of love and two arms

safe from all harm that eventually would find me
life is not easy I don’t need you to remind me
but I can find the way through the darkness of the night
just because my mama taught me right

Alan Deale:
as we sojourn in the valley of death
let us not forget the sunshine that was on the heights of life

real life, player times is tough
stop the ride man I’ve had enough
too sad to bluff and act nice in mixed company
maybe that’s why mixed company has had enough of me

it’s tough to be all smiles while pain piles up
small talk while my thoughts are focused miles up
don’t believe in heaven I wish I did
I’d run to join my mother and her other two kids

sometimes I want to live and sometimes I don’t
don’t quote don’t know if I believe what I spoke
hope most folks know I’m just going through a phase
wrote most of these lyrics during really dark days

I’m in a haze trying to get my head straight
lift off the dead weight meditate
let fate guide me through the darkness of the night
and trust that my mother taught me right

Alan Deale:
as we sojourn in the valley of death
may these moments here together deepen our sense of comradeship
Track Name: Darkness Of The Night (part 2)
Darkness Of The Night (part 2)

hey hey what’s that you say? the sky is falling, really?
mouth is moving nothing coming out Milli Vanilli?
supposedly I’m stronger for the things that didn’t kill me
I read that shit on Instagram still darkness tends to fill me

I’m tired and sick of being tired and sick
I’m admired for shit I haven’t done since ‘96
I can’t see where I’m going but I see where I’ve been
and I never want to go back there again

it’s hard to speak on but I’m trying to make an effort
it’s hard to keep on when you’re thirsty in the desert
it’s hard to move on after family members die
and it’s harder still when it was suicide I’m wiped out

it all caught up with me the darkness chased me down
thought I was clever I picked up and I moved out of town
two thousand nine hundred ten miles away
but the pain still found me and the pain is here to stay
Track Name: Keith's Birthday
Keith's Birthday

hey! today’s my brother’s birthday!
how the fuck you celebrate it when he’s dead?
buried in a dusty little plot in Southeast
65th near Tenino Keith rest in peace

and me? I’m on the opposite coast
trying to carve a life out of a slice of burnt toast
Google mapped his grave on his special day
ashes to ashes dust all blown away

fair to say I’m the only person thinking of him
normally on this day I would call mom
but she passed last fall so it’s on me
no pressure shop as usual remain calm

and I don’t know light a candle or something
I got a couple votives from the grocery store
I’d pour out some beer but I don’t drink
play his Bob Dylan records but the vinyl stinks

mildew spills through my open nose
they said it was an accident case opened closed
people clean guns sometimes they pop
but two shots by accident seems like a lot

can’t say “suicide” that touches nerves
and that stirs up emotions most folks reserve
for intimate company and quiet times
so is it fucked up I put it in a rhyme?

well who cares? who dares say what they feel?
anything but the truth for mass appeal
well I don’t sell shit for records so there’s nothing to lose
one of the real ones, son don’t get it confused

it’s true blues stew and invade my moods
could wear ‘em on my arm in a few tattoos
might post ‘em on Twitter but it just seems weak
internet memorials, name something more cheap

I accept I neglect my family’s past
he dies when I die ‘cause I’m the last
not the last who’s alive but the last who cares
the last one to see his grave or tell you if and where

go there on one of these rainy days
65th twists around into an old driveway
there’s a shitty little house on a shitty little yard
and shitty little dog on guard

and it barks and it whines and it bares its teeth
that’s dog speak telling you to “keep it brief”
don’t gotta tell me twice there’s nothing nice here
nothing that acknowledges or celebrates life here

but I come ‘cause one day I’ll go too
and maybe I deny what I know to be true
that a light that shines bright means nothing if you missed it
may as well never have existed
Track Name: Hands Of Time
Hands Of Time

days slip by and I don’t lose that feeling
I might try but my wounds still aren’t healing
I know why but I can’t speed the hands of time

same old pain folds me over like an ulcer
no bluebird on my shoulder that’s a vulture
sittin’ waiting for the moment when I give in
I’m told they don’t bother anything that’s still living

knitting my brow it’s written on my face
hidden in the place that connects when we embrace
a heavy heart comes apart quick but mends slow
friends know but it sits where most men won’t go

heartbreak to heartache to dull pain
late summer sun gives way to cold rain
reframe the issue from tear-soaked tissue
to “I will survive but god damn I miss you”

days slip by and I don’t lose that feeling
I might try but my wounds still aren’t healing
I know why but I can’t speed the hands of time

back to square one my own worst friend
I’m slipping into darkness again
can’t see the forest for the trees the branches for leaves
the treasured memories for the horrible disease

last minute held her hand ‘til it was finished
heaven hell or neither doesn’t matter how you spin it
dust to dust my beliefs earn my trust
atheist in the foxhole good luck

I promise to be honest for this song
then we can return to the jokes and move on
the last thing anybody needs is my heart on my sleeve
but I’m selfish in times like these

days slip by and I don’t lose that feeling
I might try but my wounds still aren’t healing
I know why but I can’t speed the hands of time
Track Name: Bright Side
Bright Side

I’ve been looking for a life that feels right, bro
but none of these wounds seem to heal right so
I just do my best to recognize I’m blessed
even when the world feels like a mess

and if it’s a test I guess I’m down with it
apparently I don’t know my own limits
‘cause I’ve gone further than I ever thought I would
and I’ve done more than I ever thought I could

and it’s all good any day that ain’t bad
lost my mom but I still have dad
and even though me and he don’t see eye to eye
we’re both down to try

and it’s on me to see the light
‘cause no one else can make it right
I’m looking for the bright side
I’m looking for the bright side

and though it’s hard to sleep at night
good dreams come when I don’t fight
I’m looking for the bright side
I’m looking for the bright side

it’s clear I’ve had one hell of year
hard times come and go but nothing really comes near
so dear are the friends on whom I depend
they steer my ship right again and again

no fear is allowed to crowd my way
and that’s not to say that I’m not afraid
but if you’ve got to play anyway then, hey
may as well take a shot might be hot today

there’s a lot at stake in each and every move
good moods stack quicker than views on Youtube
who knew through blues I would find the sun
and somehow learn to fly when I’m inclined to run?

and it’s on me to see the light
‘cause no one else can make it right
I’m looking for the bright side
I’m looking for the bright side

and though it’s hard to sleep at night
good dreams come when I don’t fight
I’m looking for the bright side
I’m looking for the bright side

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